3 Reasons Why You Should Be Your Child's Best Friend

Recently, during the weekend of Father's Day 2014, I had the awesome opportunity to participate in many discussions with some very wise people, from whom I gleaned a lot of great wisdom about fatherhood.  It was a very great time of communication and sharing of experiences across generations.

However, during the middle of one discussion, a man mentioned the old adage, "Stop trying to be your kid's friend. I tell my kids, I am not your friend I am your Father."   With that statement, most of the men there, including myself, nodded their head in agreement or voiced some sort of affirmation and agreement with the statement.

However, I began to think to myself, maybe the reason parents are losing the younger generation is because we are not their friends. The older kids get, the more they listen to their friends, the more they communicate with their friends, the more they make life decisions based off of their friend's opinions.  That is something to think about in more depth. So, I submit to you, with the points below, that as parents we ought to start becoming our kid's best friends.

What does it Mean to be a Friend?

When I looked up the word friend in the dictionary, instead of sounding like something we should say we are not as parents, it was clear that the definition shows what we NEED to be. According to Dictionary.com a friend is defined as:

1.  A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2.  A person who gives assistance; patron; supporter.
3.  A person who is on good terms with another; not hostile

Well, that definitely paints a different picture for us, and for the statement, "I am not your friend, I am your parent."  However, before I make any direct statements on this thesis, let's look at the other side. Since we are drawing a comparison between friend and parent when we use the statement, let's look at the definition of  'parent' as well. You will be surprised to see that the definition for parent is very simple and straight forward... Parent is defined as:

1. A Father or Mother
2. An ancestor, precursor, or progenitor
3. A source, origin, or cause
4. A protector or guardian

I think that is is clear to conclude that our statement in question, "I am not your friend, I am your parent," is being grossly misused in our society. Now, returning to our original thesis statement, I want to add that not only should we be a parent to our children but we should be friends with our kids. Furthermore, we should seek to be a best friend. I will use the definition of friend that we found, as the foundation of my  three reasons why we should be our child's best friend.

1. Because Kids Listen to those to whom they are Attached by Feelings and Personal Regard

As parents if we are to stay attached to our parents through the years as they grow and mature, then we ought to have a continuous friendship with them. If your came to your friend in time of need, and all you received was the cold shoulder, how many times would you keep coming back to them for a shoulder to cry on, or for advice? I am sure not too many times. Yet, as parents we think that we can be completely and totally disciplinarian without showing love and affection, and somehow think that our kids will come to us in times of great decision? Generally, no, the will seek help and advice from the place they feel most attached through feelings and personal regard. As heirs to your good name, don't treat your parent and child relationship as master and slave, but rather master and apprentice. 

If you want your children to grow up in love and adoration for you, to really understand love, then you have to be a friend. Sure we want them to understand the sacrifices we make as parents, but they won't understand that until they are well into adulthood. What they understand is what we display to them everyday spending time with them, and helping to mentor them through life and the developing of their gifts, talents, skills and abilities. 

Bottom Line:  Are your kids attached to your through feeling and personal regard, or only biologically? Just remember, they are still listening to and being influenced by someone, and if you want it to be you, be a better friend. 

2. Because Kids Listen to those who Show them Assistance and Support

Without a doubt, as parents you will indefinitely provide support for your children. There is no end to it, not when they grow up and move out, or even when they get married. As as long as you are alive, and maybe after you are gone as well, you will be supporting your children. The thing about providing support to children is that we have to show them we love them in the process. The failure of many parents is that they provide resources of money and material things instead of quality time, nurturing and direction, which is what kids want and need. We are going to pass on to our children who we are, and it is very hard to pass on who we are, our standards, our morals, beliefs and dreams, if we don't spend time with them. 

What type of organizations succeeds with absentee leadership, one where the CEO spends 5 or 10 minutes a day with his VPs? What if the CEO rarely makes a meeting, or rarely checks on employees' training programs? How would the company fair? What if the only time the CEO came around is when you wanted to resign from your position? It may work, once or twice. Yet, that is how we treat our kids. Think about it. 

Bottom Line: We pass on who we are by being examples to our children as we provide assistance and support to them. If we don't take the necessary time to do so, we should not be angry when we no longer recognize our child. The time and energy we failed to give, was substituted by other influences in their life, some of which, as parents, we should have safeguarded them against.

3. Because Kids Listen when Parents are on Good Terms and Not Hostile 

So, here we are. I think this point is that one that will truly get to the root of the statement, "I am not your friend, I am your parent."  Respect, mutual respect. I think that many parents who make the statement in question, are dealing with respect within the parameters of parent-ing, not being a parent.   I would submit to you, however, that respect, and certain boundaries, should be a part of any friendship as well.   

Do you let your friends treat you bad and with disrespect on a constant basis? Sure, maybe you have a few arguments with friends, but once the argument is completed and you are back on good terms, mutual respect returns to the relationship correct? So it is with parents and kids. By being a parent that demands respect and does not take the time to love, cherish and get to know their kids, then you are essentially a first level leader in your household. You want you kids to follow you because you are the law, period.   How many of those types of leaders do you truly listen to in your employment career (without despising them); bosses who try to win respect with their title and a handful of policies and regulations used as threats.

It's really about mutual respect. Sure you kids have to listen to you because it is your house and your rules, etc, but show them some respect as the future heirs to all your working on today for their bright tomorrow, and they will LOVE to listen to you. Teach and love them day in day out through mentorship and guidance. Do your best to stay on good terms, and look for ways to come back from arguments and disagreements as soon as possible. The point is not to win the argument, the point is to actively demonstrate and exemplary life. The one that you would like them to lead in the future. 

Bottom Line: Parenting is about respect, and so is a great friendship. If you want to be the type of parent that children listen to and come to, then build a better friendship, not a dictatorship. Great parents, like great leaders, influence people to make positive choices, they don't have to force them. Influence your kids by being a great friend to them! 

Thank you for taking some time out of your day to read through his blog post. Please leave any comments you like, and I look forward to hearing from you. 

Benjamin Moriniere "Sensei"

3 Big DON'Ts You Can Learn from Maya Angelou

This week we celebrate the extraordinary life of  Maya Angelou.  She was one of the most expressive and courageous people of our generation, and in fact, of many generations.  Her strong words and presence will continue to echo for years to come, and as a martial artist, here are 3 big lessons we can learn from her extraordinary life.

Don't Live a Fearful Life

"Courage is the most important of all virtues, because, without courage, you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage." As a professional martial artist and instructor I have had to be courageous in the face of opponents, and sometimes, in the face of  real world danger. I have had to be courageous trying to establish my own businesses, seeking new students, and even convincing my wonderful wife that I was not crazy for trying to follow a dream.  I am sure everyone had had a large number of situations in life where we had to be courageous.  Howbeit, in hindsight I have come to realize more and more that we waste a lot of our life living in fear. Sure we eventually deal with risk and pushing ourselves forward, but generally at a last resort. Most of us can be very courageous when backed into a corner.

However, if we are afraid to stand out from the crowd, or take some big risks, then we will live a very normal life. Life is hard for everyone, and if life will be hard for all of us, then let's choose to live life extraordinarily. There are many virtues that we learn throughout life, but what are they without the courage to walk out those virtues with a high level of compassion?  You can't live a compassionate life if fear grips your every decision.  Choose rather to be courageous, which is not the absence of fear at all, but the state of mind that says, I am moving forward anyway.

Don't Live a Defeated Life

"You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it."   Win or lose, up or down, in or out, we are learning! It feels great to be on top, to be the best, to be the tournament champ, but I, and we learn far more from our defeats. We all love mountain tops, but for every mountain top you climb there will be decent into a valley of some sort.  Valleys teach us two things; how to live defeated, or how to pull greatness out of ourselves.  The rougher the valley, the easier it is to climb a tougher mountain! Everything we need to be successful is already in us, and when we realize life is chiseling away at us, we have to take a step back and see the beautiful work of art that is forming. 

Therefore, we should not live as if we have been defeated, nor if someone owes us something for feeling down and defeated. Take your future in your hands, whatever it may be. Stand up straight and meet those challenges ahead with a firm handshake. We are never truly defeated, until we give up. Besides, confidence in yourself, your abilities and the common sense to improve where needed, speaks volumes.

Don't Ruin Your Good Reputation

"I 've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." There are so many wise sayings covering a good reputation, but it really comes down our level of integrity and character. One day when life is over, we will all leave behind something, so just make sure one of things you leave behind is a good name i.e. reputation.  A good reputation is all you have sometimes, and it will speak on your behalf. That is why bankrupt CEOs can ask any bank for money and they will still give it to them. That is why we take advice from some friends, and do the very opposite of what other friend say. Think about it. 

The bottom line is that we build trust over time through our words and our deeds. As a martial artist and business owner I have to realize that my actions will increase or decrease my reputation, my trust factor, my influence factor. We all have to realize that our reputation extends to all aspects of our lives, relationships, work and family life. So, let every time someone mentions our name, no matter if they smile or frown, whether they like us or not, let it be with an understanding that we are striving to be people with a good reputation.


Benjamin Moriniere "Sensei"
Okinawa, Japan

Capoeira Music - Energy, Soul and Swing

"Capoeira music is music"... that's what a Mestre said to us all, as we listened attentively to every word that came out of his mouth, and every stroke of the berimbau during a batizado in Tokyo, Japan. That simple statement from Mestre Acordeon, the world reknowned Capoeira master, changed the way I saw Capoeira music forever.

Generally, you get used to hearing people belowing out Capoeira in their loudest voice and highest octave possible, followed in suit by students, bless their hearts, who sound like a wave of war trumpets sounding a charge.

After Mestre Acordeon reminded us all that Capoeira music is first music I began to understand things a bit differently. Sure they say that not all Capoeiristas learn music, and some of them won't touch an instrument (not to mention there are far fewer who get great at music), but great sounding music is just logical.  As a man who spent a third of my life in band, and most of my life singing and dancing, I truly have no excuses. The music should be great at all times.

The music coming from the roda, as one Capoeira Professor (Linguica) said, "Should give people goosebumps," and if that is not the case, we should continue to strive to improve. In my humble opinion, there are very few Capoeira music albums that I would listen to just for the music, and Mestre Acordeon would be one of those that I would listen to of course. His albums are truly great music, many songs which could be played along side regular hits on a worldbeat radio station.  For the most part though, Capoeira albums that have great musical quality seem to be made and produced by actual singers, who just decided to record a few Capoeira, Dance Afro, Samba or Maculele songs. Which is fine.

However, I think that in every school and in every roda we should strive to do better with our music abilities. (Believe me I am working harder and harder every day). Berimbaus should be tuned, instruments should be tuned, voices should be prepared and singing ranges should be identified. If no one in the academia has experience in or an ear for music, ask a professional musician or a voice trainer to stop by to help your group out. Your students will love it and the group will benefit all around.

Here in the video below, I am singing the chorus to a few of my favorite Capoeira songs in the key of D with the berimbau tuned to the key of D. I used to sing in a much higher octave and my voice cracked all the time or I couldn't hit some notes at all, and my Mestre, Sucuri, told me, "Your natural voice is great, stop trying to immitate the Mestre's your hear on CDs and DVDs and just sing with your voice." This was the result.

Thank you for reading and thank you Mestre Acordeon and Mestre Sucuri for the words of widsom. I know I am not great yet, but you both set my on a path to enrich my Capoeira journey even the more.

 

 

Benjamin "Foguete"

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Capoeira Forca de Arte - Osaka, Japan - Batizado 2014

What an amazing weekend it was in Osaka, Japan! I recently attended the batizado for Forca de Arte under Contra Mestre Espeto in Osaka, Japan.

There were so many guests and teachers there it was marvelous. These included Mestre Marcelo of Capoeira Mandinga, the Capoeira master who motion captured Eddy Gordo's moves in the video game Tekken, and Contra Mestre Omi from New York.   Then there were a ton of teachers and individuals from around Japana as well.

During the batizado presentation I seen the best Samba band I have ever seen, and they were all kids. I was truly delighted by their precision, timing and the energy they gave off in the presence of some astounding guests, visitors and parents. The youth and adults also did Macule, Puxa de Rede, Coco, Samba, and then of course the best roda you could imagine. The energy coming out of all of the players in Japan was phenomenal.

Here Mestre Marcelo plays with Contra Mestre Espeto

Here Mestre Marcelo plays with Professor Neguinho

Thank you again to Contra Mestre Espeto for a great time in Osaka, Japan. I wish you another 20 years of playing and teaching!

I also have to say a special thank you to Mestre Marcelo for some great words of wisdom. He said, You are going to have some hard times in Capoeira (just like in life), where you will say to yourself maybe Capoeira is not for me, or maybe I should try something else, or someone with my body and abilities can't excel, but you have allow yourself to have hard times. Keep training through those hard times and your love for Capoeira will return, and when it does you will have appreciated going through those hard times.

Thank you Mestre.

The teachers who were present were Professor Neguinho, Mestre Marcelo, myself(Foguete), Contra Mestre Espeto, Contra Mestre Lua Cheia, Contra Mestre Omi, Professor Onca de Mao, Professor Falcao and Formado Cacapa.

Micro Improvements - How to Improve Your Fitness Level Step by Step

Some people think you have to make big fitness gains in a week, or that somehow fitness goals should happen faster than a drive through restaurant. Well, you can lose your level of fitness that fast, but it works a bit slower when trying to build a better body. However, just knowing that you are improving bit by bit, every day may ease your mind in this area.

Enter, Micro Improvements.  Just like investing money and dealing with the monetary phenomenon that is compound interest, fitness works the same way. If you consistently put in the time and effort, you will begin to incrementally and eventually exponentially grow towards your fitness goals.

You can make Micro Improvements everywhere, whether you are improving your cardio, burning fat or increasing your dynamic or static flexibility. Maybe today your legs got .05% stronger, your cardio increased by .025%. Very small numbers but over time they begin to multiply and overlap helping to push each section and system of the body to greater feats. The human body is a phenomenal machine.

The big take away from this small, hopefully, thought provoking post, is that your body IS a machine. Each movement or exercise you do should incorporate your whole body working as a unit to make each movement as natural and efficient as possible. Machines are called machines because the individual parts work together, and if you steadily improve each part of the machine, the machine’s overall performance will improve.

Benjamin Moriniere aka "Sensei"

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Do you experience prejudice in Japan, like in America?

Prejudice in Japan? That is a great question. 

Well unfortunately you can experience prejudice in most places in the world, not just America and not just in Japan. I think what you have to keep in mind is the history and culture of both America and Japan. In America, prejudice is mostly based on skin color, due to the history of our country, whereas in Japan, prejudices that I have experienced are not based on my skin color per se, but mostly due to the fact that I am a foreigner period. So, if I had to compare my experiences with prejudice in America vs Japan, I would say Japanese express many of their prejudices in more subtle, less controversial and confrontational ways. So you don't FEEL it is as much as in the US, but you do have the occasional "shaking my head" moment in Japan. All that being said.... One thing I find though, in any country, is that if you show yourself friendly, you will gain friends and overcome a lot of obstacles.

Thank you for visiting,

Benjamin Moriniere "Foguete Sensei"

How do you Teach all of those Kids, I would go CRAZY!

QUESTION: "How do you teach all of those kids, I would go crazy!"

ANSWER: This is a common question I get all the time, especially from new parents that come into our academy. I always tell them that teaching kids, especially a Capoeira class that is generally supposed to be full of crazy energy, is much like directing a rushing river. I don't try to stop the water and make kids act like adults, because they can't, they are kids. So, I don't try to stop the water from rushing I just direct the energy in another direction. Same as directing the flow of water by using trenches, walls or runoffs. Also, teaching kids is a gift that not everyone has, but even if you do have it, you have to work at making it better. You also have to work at making classes run smoother, and eliminate bottlenecks in time and training, while keeping class FUN and relative. Lastly, you have to have a LOT of patience.