3 Things Every Parent Should Know About Their Teenager

For the last 17 years, I have worked with some of the brightest people in the world; teen groups at schools and churches across America and with American, International and Japanese teens in Japan. Things have definitely changed since I was a teenager, but one thing is for sure, there is still a method to the madness.

What I have found in most parents is that they are simply naive to the lives of their children. The culture has shifted, and in order to connect with kids today, you need your old school values filtered through the medium with which the younger generation communicates.

Parents are still far too naive nowadays. They honestly think their kids don’t know much at all, but they do.  Parents think they have been successful at sheltering their kids from the harmful things in life, but that is completely untrue. The average kid knows more about what is going on than us out of tune parents. Here are "3 Things that Every Parent Should Know About Their Teenager."

They Know Far More Than You Think They Know

Parents think that their kids don't know about sex, but they see it all the time on their computers, smart phones, and of course television. By middle school they are already experimenting, with some kids having actual intercourse. I've read various statistics, but some of them have reported that by the time they finish high school, about 80% of them are no longer virgins. Purity before marriage is a thing of the past, because all of their friends are doing "it", and pulling them right into the sexual scene. Of course many other factors have led to this downward spiral in sexual morality, which we will take about in depth later.

They also know a great deal about money and sex appeal. They know how to give you the puppy eyes when they need some money, they know how to give a boyfriend or girlfriend the same puppy eyes, or even use their bodies because they know sex sells. I don't mean to say that they are having sex to get what they want, but that they know the formula (sex appeal).  Society and the media have taught them that money and sex appeal is to be valued above all other things. They are interested in either being sexy, cool or super smart.  At least that is the diet they are fed 24/7.  What I mean by that is that they are learning you can do better in life by flaunting your sex appeal, through being part of the  "in" crowd, or by being a super smart "geek", like the founders of Microsoft or Facebook.

For teens the “in” crowd, and peer pressure is everything and conformity to those “in crowd” groups may be at the expense of dropping long seated morals or even specific instructions from parents or other authority figures. No teen wants to be a part of the outcast, teased or bullied groups. That is hell on earth for a teen.

Teens know far more about computers than we do. As I mentioned, I do a lot of work with teens, and they really know how to coordinate and slide around their parents to get things done. Parents feel like they are in control by turning on different setting and permissions on computers and smart phones and guess what, it doesn't even matter. Teens are three steps ahead of you and they switch networks as soon as a new one comes out. Facebook to them is old news, Twitter is old news. They are on so many networks wherein they use different profiles, alias names, etc. that you will never find out what they are doing, unless you steal their phones from them before they can lock it. (=

 

They Don’t Know As Much As They Think They Know

Experts say 50% of everything we know in life we have already learned by five years old. Now, I am sure they are not specifically talking about math and literature, but most of what we learn at that age is how to get our way right? We also learn about love, and consequences and rewards as well. You know, social skills, how to play well and interact with society.

Teens want you to know that latch-key parenting doesn’t work. It just leaves teen confused, hurting and looking for other things to fill the void. Teens are learning how to do things without parents, because many parents are too busy to care.  The average father only spends five to seven minutes of quality time a day with their kids. Let me define quality time though. I don’t mean just sitting there and watching TV together, or even eating or playing catch together. What I mean is teaching kids about life by speaking positive thoughts into their lives, explaining, or demonstrating why certain things matter, why certain behaviors are ok or not ok, and even when they are ok. Teaching teens how to help someone moving heavy boxes, or open the door for a woman, or how to balance a paycheck. THAT is quality time.

Teens don’t know how to contain their emotions and hormones.  One of my mentors loves to make the quote, “You can only trust teenagers as far as you can see them.”  What he means is that it’s not that you don’t love your kids, but you understand that you were a kid once, and you know how you were at their age.  During the teenager years we just started smelling ourselves so to speak, we are discovering ourselves and we are also discovering more and more about the opposite sex right.

As a parent, knowing that there are so many pressures on teens to conform to the in-crowd while trying to listen to you at the same time, and knowing that they inadvertently put themselves into emotionally and hormone ripe situations for bad things to happen, we have to safeguard and plan for wrong decisions.  The same mentor that made the quote about “only trusting teens as far as he could see them” also said that “you are not a good parent if you have never heard “you are the worst dad or mom in the world,” some where along your parenting journey.  It actually means that you are doing something right. Sometimes, well most of the time, looking out for your kid’s best interest means that you will have to be strict enough with them that they will get mad from time to time.  We all know as we mature into adulthood, we came to appreciate most of what are parents were trying to do with us, and so it will be with your teens. Right now though, they see through a foggy window at best, trying to understand the "pain" you are putting them through by not allowing them to do just anything they want.

Teens Want You To Know That They Love You

Sure, peer pressure and the techno-media have ripped families apart. People are texting instead of talking, while sitting with each at dinner for 30 minutes.  The convoluted illusions we portray to the world have become our escape from reality, but guess what, your teens love you! They want you to know it, but they don’t know how to express it.  The funny thing is that they feel too childlike when they do. After all they are young adults now!

As parents, let your kids know that they can express themselves and be honest with you. Recently, I wrote another blog concerning teens that said that “parents should be their kid’s best friend.” That is much better than being just an authority figure without a deep relationship. There is no buy in from the teen to listen to what you have to say, if it does not concern getting something from you, e.g.  money and material things.

Your teens just don’t need a parent, or a friend, but a best friend that they respect as their parent. They need to know you have their back more than anyone in this world.  Again, I am speaking about more than just for money and material things. You really need to invade their space. Be a Space Invader. I know a lot of parents who believe that giving their teens space to grow is better in the long run. Well, not if you want them to grow up as you envisioned. Every good gardener prunes the vegetation in their garden if they care. The space and privacy you give your teens is filled with all sorts of mess that can truly lead them in bad directions full of worse decisions. So be a part of their lives, every step of the way.

All in all, teens want quality time. We talked briefly in the paragraphs above about quality time and what that truly entails.  Quality time is simply time devoted exclusively to nurturing a cherished person or activity. It’s a coined phrase that can only be traced back to 1985-1990.   Fitting, because that is about the time we, as a society, became so enthralled in our work that our families began to suffer for it.   If there is anything I want you to take away from this short blog about Teens, it is that they love you and they need you to be around. Your family is far more important than any job or extracurricular activity. Our kids are our legacy, and it is our utmost responsibility to rear them up in the way that they should go.

Thank you for reading and sharing this.

Benjamin “Sensei” Moriniere

www.twitter.com/CapoeiraOkinawa 

3 Reasons Why You Should Be Your Child's Best Friend

Recently, during the weekend of Father's Day 2014, I had the awesome opportunity to participate in many discussions with some very wise people, from whom I gleaned a lot of great wisdom about fatherhood.  It was a very great time of communication and sharing of experiences across generations.

However, during the middle of one discussion, a man mentioned the old adage, "Stop trying to be your kid's friend. I tell my kids, I am not your friend I am your Father."   With that statement, most of the men there, including myself, nodded their head in agreement or voiced some sort of affirmation and agreement with the statement.

However, I began to think to myself, maybe the reason parents are losing the younger generation is because we are not their friends. The older kids get, the more they listen to their friends, the more they communicate with their friends, the more they make life decisions based off of their friend's opinions.  That is something to think about in more depth. So, I submit to you, with the points below, that as parents we ought to start becoming our kid's best friends.

What does it Mean to be a Friend?

When I looked up the word friend in the dictionary, instead of sounding like something we should say we are not as parents, it was clear that the definition shows what we NEED to be. According to Dictionary.com a friend is defined as:

1.  A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2.  A person who gives assistance; patron; supporter.
3.  A person who is on good terms with another; not hostile

Well, that definitely paints a different picture for us, and for the statement, "I am not your friend, I am your parent."  However, before I make any direct statements on this thesis, let's look at the other side. Since we are drawing a comparison between friend and parent when we use the statement, let's look at the definition of  'parent' as well. You will be surprised to see that the definition for parent is very simple and straight forward... Parent is defined as:

1. A Father or Mother
2. An ancestor, precursor, or progenitor
3. A source, origin, or cause
4. A protector or guardian

I think that is is clear to conclude that our statement in question, "I am not your friend, I am your parent," is being grossly misused in our society. Now, returning to our original thesis statement, I want to add that not only should we be a parent to our children but we should be friends with our kids. Furthermore, we should seek to be a best friend. I will use the definition of friend that we found, as the foundation of my  three reasons why we should be our child's best friend.

1. Because Kids Listen to those to whom they are Attached by Feelings and Personal Regard

As parents if we are to stay attached to our parents through the years as they grow and mature, then we ought to have a continuous friendship with them. If your came to your friend in time of need, and all you received was the cold shoulder, how many times would you keep coming back to them for a shoulder to cry on, or for advice? I am sure not too many times. Yet, as parents we think that we can be completely and totally disciplinarian without showing love and affection, and somehow think that our kids will come to us in times of great decision? Generally, no, the will seek help and advice from the place they feel most attached through feelings and personal regard. As heirs to your good name, don't treat your parent and child relationship as master and slave, but rather master and apprentice. 

If you want your children to grow up in love and adoration for you, to really understand love, then you have to be a friend. Sure we want them to understand the sacrifices we make as parents, but they won't understand that until they are well into adulthood. What they understand is what we display to them everyday spending time with them, and helping to mentor them through life and the developing of their gifts, talents, skills and abilities. 

Bottom Line:  Are your kids attached to your through feeling and personal regard, or only biologically? Just remember, they are still listening to and being influenced by someone, and if you want it to be you, be a better friend. 

2. Because Kids Listen to those who Show them Assistance and Support

Without a doubt, as parents you will indefinitely provide support for your children. There is no end to it, not when they grow up and move out, or even when they get married. As as long as you are alive, and maybe after you are gone as well, you will be supporting your children. The thing about providing support to children is that we have to show them we love them in the process. The failure of many parents is that they provide resources of money and material things instead of quality time, nurturing and direction, which is what kids want and need. We are going to pass on to our children who we are, and it is very hard to pass on who we are, our standards, our morals, beliefs and dreams, if we don't spend time with them. 

What type of organizations succeeds with absentee leadership, one where the CEO spends 5 or 10 minutes a day with his VPs? What if the CEO rarely makes a meeting, or rarely checks on employees' training programs? How would the company fair? What if the only time the CEO came around is when you wanted to resign from your position? It may work, once or twice. Yet, that is how we treat our kids. Think about it. 

Bottom Line: We pass on who we are by being examples to our children as we provide assistance and support to them. If we don't take the necessary time to do so, we should not be angry when we no longer recognize our child. The time and energy we failed to give, was substituted by other influences in their life, some of which, as parents, we should have safeguarded them against.

3. Because Kids Listen when Parents are on Good Terms and Not Hostile 

So, here we are. I think this point is that one that will truly get to the root of the statement, "I am not your friend, I am your parent."  Respect, mutual respect. I think that many parents who make the statement in question, are dealing with respect within the parameters of parent-ing, not being a parent.   I would submit to you, however, that respect, and certain boundaries, should be a part of any friendship as well.   

Do you let your friends treat you bad and with disrespect on a constant basis? Sure, maybe you have a few arguments with friends, but once the argument is completed and you are back on good terms, mutual respect returns to the relationship correct? So it is with parents and kids. By being a parent that demands respect and does not take the time to love, cherish and get to know their kids, then you are essentially a first level leader in your household. You want you kids to follow you because you are the law, period.   How many of those types of leaders do you truly listen to in your employment career (without despising them); bosses who try to win respect with their title and a handful of policies and regulations used as threats.

It's really about mutual respect. Sure you kids have to listen to you because it is your house and your rules, etc, but show them some respect as the future heirs to all your working on today for their bright tomorrow, and they will LOVE to listen to you. Teach and love them day in day out through mentorship and guidance. Do your best to stay on good terms, and look for ways to come back from arguments and disagreements as soon as possible. The point is not to win the argument, the point is to actively demonstrate and exemplary life. The one that you would like them to lead in the future. 

Bottom Line: Parenting is about respect, and so is a great friendship. If you want to be the type of parent that children listen to and come to, then build a better friendship, not a dictatorship. Great parents, like great leaders, influence people to make positive choices, they don't have to force them. Influence your kids by being a great friend to them! 

Thank you for taking some time out of your day to read through his blog post. Please leave any comments you like, and I look forward to hearing from you. 

Benjamin Moriniere "Sensei"