Times are changing. This is 2016. Teaching discipline and respect to the current generation takes a lot of hard work. Yelling at children is wrong, spanking children is wrong, labeling a child is wrong unless of course there is money to be made by the drug companies for the prescribed medications.
Times are different! We all know this.
The current trend in education and sports is to raise the level of self-esteem in kids (and adults) through rewarding them for participation, regardless of the effort or lack of effort involved. In some scholastic programs, kids are passed to the next grade even if they don't pass their classes, teacher's aids may even end up actually doing their homework for them.
WE ARE ALL WINNERS! But are we?
Since the mid 1990's, I have had the opportunity to teach and lead young adults and children through some of the toughest and greatest moments of their lives, providing mentorship, providing the assistance they needed to overcome their obstacles. Throughout that time I have come to realize, and will show you, that our current Trophy Kid generation is headed for big trouble if we as parents, teachers, coaches, or mentors, continue to enable this debilitating behavior and practice.
Here are the major reasons that the Trophy Kid/Adult mentality stagnates our society.
Kids Stop Living up to their Potential
If kids know they will receive an award, trophy or martial arts belt regardless of how hard they work, or DON'T work, then what is the point of trying to do your best?You see the same thing from adults who work for organizations that reward everyone across the board, or provide annual pay raises across the board whether you worked hard or not. Even worse is when employees see slackers get a performance rating just as high, or higher than those who are truly working their butts off.
Kid’s are Paralyzed by Failure
All day, every day, parents are snapping pictures and photos and putting them on their social media pages; however, we generally only post the most perfect of those pictures and videos. Our lives are perfect, our marriages are perfect, our kids are perfect right?Here is how this scenario backfires. First, kids get so used to being a winner, even when they are doing something wrong, that all they care about is being a winner, being perfect. These are the types of kids who have a complete break down when they are unable to do something at school or in sports perfectly. It is not even that they are doing it bad or wrong, just not as good as some of the other kids.
They can't handle that, and you can see the frustration begin to set in. You can see their eyes glance back to their parents, coaches or teachers every couple of seconds in the hopes that their parents, teachers or coaches are not witnessing their less than perfect attempts. The Trophy Life paralyzes kids, physically and mentally. It is unhealthy.
Fixated on Mistakes
Next, kids get so overwhelmed by their own perfectionism that they stop looking at how far they have come in school, their grades, sports, or martial arts and they constantly fixate their language and attitudes on their mistakes. They become negative, detached, all work and no play, overly competitive, and may bully or lash out at kids who they can't outshine.They can become the whiny, negative kid that no one wants to be around, or other parents don't want their kids around. Why, because the kids can become a ticking fuse that can short circuit every time things don't go their way, or when mom and dad are not overly proud of their current efforts at a given activity.
No Longer Fooled by Trophies
Make no mistake, you can't fool kids for long. Kids learn 50% of everything they need to know about surviving in life by the age of 5... Again, you won't fool them for long. Eventually kids figure out that even though they are horrible at a given activity, that people will continue to give them things. i.e. recognize them, i.e. show them some attention, if they participate.Over time, participating and coming in last place, or embarrassing moments can take their toll and a kid will not want to participate at all. After all, "What is the point, I am going to come in last anyway" right?
Lack of Motivation
Finally, kids come to the point where they lose all motivation for an activity, or school, or you name it. They don't give their best, because they know they will get rewarded regardless, but then they want to progress because they all of their peers start progressing right past them.They are too far behind the pack to fake it, an too under motivated to catch up. So they mentally quit, and then eventually do it physically.
HOW DO WE FIX THE PROBLEM?
Let's start the progress back to sanity by seeing what an NFL player, James Harrison, recently did:"I came home to find out that my boys received two trophies for nothing, participation trophies! While I am very proud of my boys for everything they do and will encourage them till the day I die, these trophies will be given back until they EARN a real trophy. I'm sorry I'm not sorry for believing that everything in life should be earned and I'm not about to raise two boys to be men by making them believe that they are entitled to something just because they tried their best...cause sometimes your best is not enough, and that should drive you to want to do better...not cry and whine until somebody gives you something to shut you up and keep you happy. #harrisonfamilyvalues"
1. Teach your kids, that life is not easy, life is often unfair, and nothing is dished out in equal portions - not singing voices, not good looks, not athletic ability, not intelligence, nothing. We all have varying levels of all of these right?
2. Teach your kids that due to these varying levels of skill and abilities, sometimes you will not win, because you were not the best person TODAY; however, if you work hard, you can become the best person TOMORROW.
3. Realize that participation trophies, medals, certificates and promotions can cause kids to underachieve. Underachievement shows up as a lack of motivation, and resentment for activities or people they once cared deeply about, but who are now their competitor for attention in some way.
Also, in extreme, but all too common cases, kids can start getting into trouble. Why, because they figure out that they are not, and life is not as perfect as the picture we painted as parents, teachers and coaches. They come face to face with their mistakes and shortcomings and if they can't live up to your expectations in a good way, to get attention, a trend of negative behavior can begin. In other words, "speak good of me, speak bad of me, but speak of me."
4. Tell your kids that you love them often, and that love does not mean that you will dismiss laziness, lack of motivation, or bad behavior, but that you will push them to succeed, to give their best at every turn. Even if the current trends in our society see kids never leaving home because they are comfortable, that does not mean, we, as parents will always be there to hold their hand. More often that not though, they will venture out into Real Life in a Tough World that does play by our family rules. We have to prepare them for this now.
TODAY IS THE DAY TO MAKE A CHANGE IN YOUR FAMILY, FOR LEGACY'S SAKE. Let kids learn the meaning of hard work again, to know the pain of failure, and the joy's of success. Without the pain of success, it is tough to break out of their cocoon and fly away with strength in their wings.
Thank you for reading, please comment below, or share with your friends and family.
Benjamin Moriniere is a martial arts expert, entrepreneur, business consultant and motivational speaker living in Okinawa, Japan. Visit www.StayHumbleKickHard.com for more information.
